


keeping your head above the water

by hollstein_af



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Human AU, I can't remember what all my old tags were, I was trying to edit this and I accidentally DELETED it, I'm not particularly happy with this fic, POV Alternating, Swimmer AU, so if you already read it this morning and you're confused, this is why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-18 01:39:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5893165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollstein_af/pseuds/hollstein_af
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Laura is moving fast towards a future she doesn't want. Carmilla isn't moving at all. </p>
<p>[I accidentally deleted this a couple minutes ago because I was trying to fix a typo]</p>
            </blockquote>





	keeping your head above the water

**Author's Note:**

> Anyway I can't remember what I said here but thank you for reading!
> 
> The next chapter of filling in the blanks IS coming, it's just going to be a little delayed (I broke my laptop and one of my ribs and that messed things up)

** CARMILLA **

You didn’t need to know Laura Hollis well to know that she was miserable. You could just tell. You could tell by the tight little smile on her face when she finishes a lap and her coach says its a personal best. You can tell by the way she glares when she watches you. Most of all you can tell by the way she swims. when you were younger people used to say you reminded them of a mermaid but if you had to compare Laura’s swimming to something, you’d say she was made of machinery.

Every stroke was controlled, forced, methodical. You couldn’t deny that she was fast, but she had no natural ability, she was good by sheer willpower. Her arms were well trained but her rhythm was off, like she was somehow disconnected from the water.

Laura had only started training at this pool 2 months ago but she had taken an instant disliking to you. you weren’t sure exactly what it was about you that made her hate you so much but the more she glared at you, the more you made sure you always swam in the lane next to hers.

you flirt with her constantly. Maybe because it makes her angry. Maybe because you like her.

You don’t know how you ended up with a crush on girl who looks like her passion for life has been crushed, it just happened. You have a feeling that underneath it all, there’s a lot more to Laura Hollis and you’re determined to get to it.

//

You like to watch her train from your lane while she isn’t looking. she swims four laps before stopping right in the middle of her lane, like whatever’s left of her motivation had just abandoned her. She’s weird like that.

You don’t want her knowing that you watch her so you start swimming again when she finally glances at you. You make sure she’s looking as you speed up, knowing you’re going much faster than she can, even on a good day. You turn around and swim back, pausing so that you’re face to face over the dividing line between lanes. she clenches her jaw and you can’t believe how easy it is to wind her up.

“enjoying the view?”. you ask innocently.

she flushes angrily, you can practically feel her eyes burning through her goggles.

“you are so full of yourself. I wasn’t even looking at you”.

“you keep telling yourself that, cupcake”, you smirk at her before blowing her a kiss and swimming off.

The last thing you see before diving under the water is her face bunching up in rage as she realises you got the last word in. Again.

The funny thing is, before Laura you’d never been competitive about swimming. It wasn’t about winning for you.

Laura will probably make it to the Olympics and still be miserable, you think to yourself. That’s what she’s training for, and despite her lack of passion, she might just be stubborn enough to do it.

You’ll never understand that girl

Later, she bumps into you on her way out of the changing room. She looks especially cute, hair still wet and wearing an ugly owl sweater.

“sor-”, she begins until she see’s just who she was about to apologise to.

“Oh, it’s you”, she say, distastefully.

“Sorry to disappoint. Though I must say, my presence usually gets a much more enthusiastic reaction from girls”.

She rolls her eyes, laughing coldly.

“I question their taste”.

You clutch your chest mockingly.

“you’re breaking my heart, Hollis”, you say.

“God, you’re unbelievable”, she pushes past you.

“Call me if you ever want some help loosening up”, you call after her.

She looks back at you in disgust and you wink at her.

Of all the girls you could have chosen to like, you wonder why it had to be her.

//

You have a cold for the entirety of the next week, so you have to stay home. You can’t help wondering whether Laura’s thinking about you. That thought gets pushed aside, you have no reason to believe that Laura Hollis gives a shit about you.

When you return, she see’s you and just for a split second, she seems almost glad that you're there. Her expression changes so fast you think it must have just been a trick of the light.

Her father is her coach, you don’t know how she doesn’t find that suffocating. Although maybe, judging by the look on her face as he yells encouragement from the sidelines, she does.

You wait for her after practice while she goes over some notes with her father. He must have said something to offend her because she looks angrier than usual as she walks away. You jog to catch up to her.

“Hey cupcake”.

She flat out ignores you. She really must be furious, usually she can’t resist arguing with you.

“The silent treatment? come on, that’s not fair”.

She whips around suddenly, nostrils flaring.

“Do you want to know what’s not fair? I just had to listen to my own father compare me to you. How he think’s I could really learn a thing or two from you”, you can tell that she’s only just getting started so you brace yourself, “you know what’s unfair? you don’t even try! I have worked so hard to get where I am and you just waltz in here and-and”.

“beat you”, you finish for her, coldly.

Her eyes harden and she storms off without another word. She’s jealous of you. That’s why she hates you so much, it makes sense you suppose. You still feel a chill settle in your chest, maybe it’s time to get over Laura. Even you are not self-destructive enough to keep crushing on a girl who clearly hates your guts.

//

She actually apologises to you the next time you see her, which is definitely a first. She grabs your arm as you’re about to go into the changing room.

“Uh, can I talk to you for a second?”, she asks nervously.

You’ve never heard her sound so vulnerable but you’re still kind of hurt so you don’t say anything, just wait for her to speak with raised eyebrows.

“Look I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have lashed out at you like that. I was just upset and you were there and I took it out on you. You may not be my favourite person, but you deserve so much better than that”.

You feel your anger fade so fast it’s like it was never there to begin with. You don’t know what it is about this girl, but you just can’t stay mad at her. There’s also the fact that she said you deserved better, nobody has ever said anything like that to you before, maybe they didn’t know how much you needed to hear it. In spite of the fact that she’s an asshole 99.9% of the time, you don’t think your crush is going anywhere.

“Whatever, you can go back to disliking me with a clear conscience”.

That’s exactly what she does, although you think there might be less venom in her actions now.

//

You hear from your mother for the first time in four years while you’re sitting outside waiting for the bus.

“Carmilla? darling it’s your mother here. You are a hard girl to find-”, your throat closes up at the sound of her voice and your breathing becomes shallow. You hang up quickly and will yourself not to cry. It doesn't work.

You take deep, shaking breaths as your eyes well with tears.

Of course fate chooses that exact moment to send Laura your way. When you first see her coming, you hurriedly try to dry your eyes and hope that she won’t talk you. It’s not like you’re friends. You turn just in time to see her expression change from dislike to concern.

She walks over to you very slowly, the way somebody might approach a frightened animal. You look down so that she can’t see that you’re crying, if she hasn’t already. She sits cautiously beside you.

“Carmilla? is everything okay?”, she asks quietly.

“Don’t act like you care”, you reply bitterly. This is the last thing you need right now.

She ignores that and put’s a hesitant hand on your shoulder.

“Did you wanna talk about it?”.

You shake your head, you don’t trust your voice right now.

“Okay, then we won’t talk about it”, she squeezes your shoulder. It’s like you’ve fallen into some kind of weird parallel universe. One where she doesn’t despise you.

She sits down next to you a little awkwardly. The two of you still don't really know how to just be around each other. She's watching you with thinly veiled worry.

“What are you doing?”, Your voice wobbles ever so slightly.

She looks you straight in the eyes and you feel a nervous flutter in your stomach.

“I don’t think anyone should have to be sad alone”, she says quietly.

“You’re always sad”, you note.

She looks at you in surprise, maybe she didn’t think you’d noticed. She doesn’t look mad at least, just tired.

“I’m not-, it doesn’t matter”.

You frown.

“Of course it matters”.

She gives you a kind of sad, shy smile.

**LAURA**

You’d never been able to walk away from somebody who was hurting, even Carmilla Karnstein, your sworn rival.

You had disliked Carmilla almost instantly, she was arrogant, rude and thought she was Better than everybody else. Other than that you didn’t pay a lot of attention to her, that is, until the day she started swimming next to you.

You’d never actually watched her swim before but the minute you did, you felt your blood boil and simple dislike turned into something resembling envy. It wasn’t the fact that she was better than you that made you hate her, it was the fact that she looked so at home in the water. Like it was effortless for her. You’d been training since you were 11 years old and it never, in all that time, ceased to feel like a chore.

Still when you had seen her crying, you couldn’t stay away.

And now you can’t stop thinking about how she had said your feelings matter. for most people that might be a small thing, but nobody has taken your feelings into account for a long time.

“What’s got you so distracted pumpkin?”, your father asks from the driver seat, pulling you out of your thoughts about Carmilla.

“I’m just thinking about my backstroke”, you lie. It’s what he really wants to hear.

“That’s my little champion”.

You force yourself to smile.

“You know your mother would be so proud of you, following in her footsteps”, he says. he pauses, “you know I’m proud of you too, right? Always proud of you”.

“Thanks dad, I know”, you're pretty sure he’s trying to be encouraging but he is just making you want to cry.

He ruffles your hair.

//

As soon as you get inside you excuse yourself and hurry off to your room. Every time your father gets all sentimental like that, it feels like your whole body tenses. You can't handle the pressure of knowing his expectations and hearing them always turns you into a wreck.

You pick up your phone, not knowing who to call, when you remember something Carmilla said to you a couple of weeks ago call; me if you ever need any help loosening up.

You shouldn’t even be considering it, you think as you’re already dialling her number.

“Who are you? why is your number blocked?”, she asks the second she picks up.

you’re regretting this already.

//

You don’t know what possessed you to call Carmilla of all people. It’s too late to change your mind though, she’s currently sitting in her pick-up truck in your driveway. You hurry out the back door and climb into the car next to her.

“Nice to see you sweetheart”, she greets you.

“You need to pull out of the driveway before my dad sees you and calls the cops”, you hiss as if he’s going to hear you from all the way inside the house.

She looks at you curiously but does as you said.

“I must admit, I was surprised to get your call”.

“I needed to get out of the house”, you say shortly.

“I feel so used” she deadpans.

You’re too stressed to have a problem with her sarcasm.

“Please just take me somewhere” you say in voice which sounds pathetically pleading, even to your own ears.

She raises an eyebrow and keeps driving.

“Well since you asked so nicely”.

She takes you to the pool. It’s 10 o'clock at night and it’s been closed for hours but she still pulls into the parking lot. You don’t know why she brought you here of all places, this is not your idea of a good time.

“What are we going here? it’s not even open”.

She gets out of the car, motioning for you to follow her.

“Then we’ll open it ourselves”, she says slyly.

“Carmilla! We can’t just break in! I will not go to jail for you”, you whisper angrily.

“You think so lowly of me. I have a key”, pretending to be wounded by your words, she pulls a set of keys out of her pocket and jangles then in your face.

Once you’re inside she flicks on the lights and guides you through to the pool area. You’ve never seen the water this smooth before. It’s beautiful and almost surreal but that doesn’t change the fact that this is the last place you want to be.

“Why are we here?”.

“Why do you think?”, she asks, slightly impatiently.

“I’ve been training all day, I’m not exactly eager to get back in the water”.

She looks at you with an expression that you can’t quite place.

“Yeah, training”, she says, “when was the last time you swam for fun?”.

You honestly can’t remember. It must have been at least 8 years ago.

“I didn’t even bring my swimsuit”.

“Neither did I”, she says suggestively. Shes laughing at the scandalized look on your face.

When you don’t reply she just shrugs. “You don’t have to come in, but I sure as hell am”.

You’re about to reply when she slowly takes her shirt off, followed by her pants. Shes just standing in her lacy black underwear and you can’t stop gawking. In the back of your mind, you’d always known she was beautiful but it hasn’t fully hit you until she’s standing half naked in front of you. Your heart is racing and you’re sure you’ve turned bright red. You’re completely transfixed by the muscles rippling in her back as she stretches. You will yourself not to let your eyes travel further down.

She glances over her shoulder and smirks when she notices that you’re staring.

She dives into the pool.

“Well? You coming or not?”.

You’re not sure what makes you do it, but you strip down too, as quickly as possible and jump in after her.

You’re almost embarrassed to admit that you don’t really know what to do once you're actually in the water. You’ve spent the last 7 years swimming strictly along the blue line that you’ve forgotten how to just be. Carmilla seems to have picked up on that because she paddles over to you.

“Oh my god, you really don’t know how to have fun do you?”.

You shake your head, “Not in here. I told you this was a bad idea”.

She looks at you, expression unreadable. With her hair plastered back and little drips of water running down her face, she looks maddeningly cute. Ugh, cute. A word you never would have associated with her.

She swims closer.

“Get on my back”, she says, smiling slightly mischievously.

You splutter and choke on a little pool water. “What?”, you cough.

“Climb onto my back. I’m not gonna bite-, unless you ask me to”.

Despite your better judgment, you do. You wrap your legs around her waist and your arms around her neck. You have to admit it feels good. You can feel the lace of her bra against your chest.

“Okay, hold your breath. When you want to come up squeeze my shoulder. Got it?”.

You nod before realizing that she can’t see you.

“Okay”.

You take a deep breath and she dives under.

One thing you learn about Carmilla that night is that she can hold her breath longer than probably should be possible. It becomes a sort of competition between you, to see who needs to go up for air first. It’s always you.

It feels like she’s moving slowly, she’s in no hurry, but when you emerge, you’re suddenly a length away from where you started and you realise that you’d been moving much faster than you would have thought possible  
.  
You’ve heard people compare her to a mermaid and now you finally understand why. She moves through the water like nothing you’ve ever seen, it’s almost like she belongs there. Being on her back, you can finally kind of see the water the way she sees it. You’ve never felt this at peace in the pool before, no matter how hard you tried.

You squeeze her shoulder and she breaks through the surface. You gasp, filling your lungs with air again. She doesn’t even seem out of breath, which would usually annoy you.

You slip off her back and she turns to face you, She’s still very much in your space and you find that you don’t even mind, though it is making it harder for you to catch your breath. She’s staring at you intensely when you suddenly get an idea. You move closer and lean in slowly, so that your faces are mere inches apart. You’re so close that you can almost feel her heart beating through the water. You turn your head slightly and move your lips to her ear, you freeze there for a second before whispering, “race you!”.

You push off her and paddle wildly to the the other end of the pool, giggling loudly.

As soon and she wipes the dazed and slightly confused smile off her face, she swims after you. For once you don’t care that you loose because for the first time in years, you actually have fun in the water.

**CARMILLA**

Your relationship with Laura feels like a rollercoaster, one minute she’s yelling at you in a fit of envy, the next she’s calling you at 11 pm like you’re best friends. She’d sounded so tense when she rang you that you took her to the most relaxing place you could think of. You’d seen a different side of her that night. A playful side you hadn’t even know was there, it really wasn’t helping your crush situation at all.

Things between you change after that night, suddenly it’s almost like you’re friends and sometimes when you flirt with her, you think she might kind of be flirting back. She’s still not happy, you can tell that much but at least she doesn’t seem to blame all of it on you anymore.

She’s sitting outside the pool looking all beautiful and preoccupied, chewing a disgusting looking sandwich. You notice that her dad isn’t around, maybe that’s why she’s taking such a long lunch break. Her eyes flit over to you and you give her a small wave. You pull yourself out of the water and make your way over to her.

“Hey cupcake, nice looking lunch you got there”.

She looks down at her sandwich and groans.

“It tastes like cardboard and leaves covered in mayonnaise”.

You glance around quickly.

“where’s your warden?”, you ask.

“My dad? he’s at home fixing the sink”, she says, looking at you questioningly.

Perfect. That’s exactly what you’d been hoping for.

“You wanna get out of here and get some real food?”.

She looks at you in surprise. “you mean leave?”.

“I’m not asking you to run away with me or anything. Just to get something to eat, nobody's stopping you”.

She chews her lip nervously.

“I guess it couldn’t hurt, it’s just one day. My dad never even has to know. Plus I did train all morning…”, she’s trying to convince herself more than you. “Okay, let’s do it”.

You hold out a hand and she grabs it, pulling herself up.

“we should probably get dressed first”, she says as you almost walk out the door in your swimsuit.

//

She takes you to her favourite dinner, a slightly rundown looking place on the edge of town. She gets a slice of cheesecake and a mug of hot chocolate. You just order coffee, but now that you see how much she’s enjoying her desert, you kind of wish you’d gotten something to eat.

Laura outside of the pool is like a totally different person. Her eyes are bright and curious. She also smiles more, you’d be willing to swear on your life that she has the most beautiful smile you’ve ever seen and you’d be willing to do anything to keep seeing it.

You reach over to try and steal a bit of cheesecake off her plate but she fights you off with her fork.

“I can’t believe you actually tried that! And just when I was starting to like you…”, she shakes her head in mock disbelief.

“Its not my fault you make it look so good”.

She takes a bite and let’s out an exaggerated moan. You feel your neck heat up.

“It is so good. So, so good” she teases. “Probably the best thing I’ve ever eaten”.

“Oh come on, just one bite?” You plead.

Laura tries and fails to fight the smile tugging on her lips.

“Fine! One bite”.

She loads her fork up and leans over the table to stick it into your mouth. This wasn’t really what you had in mind but you’re hardly going to complain. You open your mouth and let her feed you the small portion of cheesecake. It’s weirdly intimate.

“You’re right, it's good”, you admit.

She smiles smugly.

You try to figure out how to get another bite when you notice she’s frowning slightly.

“Hey, can I ask you a question?”, she says.

“You just did”, she looks unimpressed so you continue, “yes, you may ask, can’t guarantee you an answer though”.

“Why do you spend so much time in the pool?”, she blurts out.

“What do you mean?”.

“well, you don’t compete. You’re not training. You could be anywhere else-” she says carefully. “So why are you always swimming?”.

“I could be anywhere else, but maybe I'm exactly where I want to be” it’s not the full story, but it’s enough. “A better question is why do you swim?”.

You regret asking when her face falls.

“I have to”.

"What do you mean you have to?".

She just lets out a hollow laugh.

"You didn't give me a real answer either".

You shrug. You figure you might as well give her the short version of your story.

You launch straight into it "When I was 12 I started sneaking in the pool to get away from my mother. swimming calmed me down, it was a good outlet for anger and fear, blah blah blah. The pool owner, Mattie caught me but took a liking to me and eventually became my legal guardian. I just always felt the most at peace when I'm swimming" you say, matter-of-factly.

You had opted to leave out a few details, particularly about what you went through with your mother, but it's still pretty much the full story. Judging by the look on Laura's face, she filled in the blanks for herself.

She looks taken aback and you wonder if you should have waited to tell her your 'tragic backstory'. You're mentally kicking yourself until she squeezes your thigh comfortingly under the table.

"I'm sorry " she says quietly.

You hate it when people say that, especially in relation to your mother but somehow it's okay when Laura does it. Your usual rules just don't apply to her.

You don't know how to respond so you don't say anything. She pushes what's left of the cheesecake over to you and you can't help the smile you give her.

//

In the few months you've known Laura, you've never actually been in the changing room at the same time. Until now that is.

You're drying your hair after your shower, wearing only a very small towl when she she walks in. You've never been self conscious about your body but Laura looks embarrassed when she notices you. She comes over to you nonetheless.

"Hey" she says, a little breathlessly.

"Hey".

You notice her eyes are scanning your body which makes you smirk. She blushes faintly when she realises you caught her.

You know you're attractive. It doesn't surprise you that she was checking you out, but you don't delude yourself into thinking it's anything more than purely physical. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy it though.

Her eyes are following a tiny droplet of water running down your neck and she's completely transfixed by it as it continues to travel. She slowly drags her eye's upto meet your gaze and there's a look you've never seen on her before, like she wants to push you up against the wall. Almost like she’s hypnotized, she takes a step closer, still maintaining that intense eye contact.

Suddenly she seems to realise what she's doing because her eye's go comically wide and whatever trance she was under, seems to have broken.

She turns around quickly and squeaks " I-I'm just going to take a shower. I'll see you after - probably". she scurries off towards the stalls on the other side of the room.

//

 

**LAURA**

You don't know when exactly Carmilla got under your skin but there's no denying that she has. You struggle to meet her eyes for days after what you now refer to as "the changing room incident". It's hard for things to go back to normal because you don't even know what "normal" is when it comes to the two of you, all you know is that somewhere along the way, she's become somebody you don't want to loose.

You never would have expected to like her, you'd always found her personality infuriating. The funny thing is; she hasn't really changed, you just get to see other sides of her now.

You still sometimes feel a hint of jealousy sometimes when you watch her swim, you can't expect that to change overnight, but now it's tinged with pride in her too. she's not yours to be proud of but you are anyway.

She starts driving you home on the days that your dad isn't there and those quickly become your favourite days. her truck feels like the one place where nobody expects anything from you.

She’s being especially quiet as she drives you home on Friday, it doesn’t bother you, she's just like that sometimes. She’s still listening to you and occasionally sneaking glances at you and smiling when she doesn't think you're watching.

When she pulls into your driveway you notice that your dad isn’t home yet and you have a weird urge to invite her in but you refrain. You don't want to force her to spend more time with you than she already does.

"So I'll see you Monday" she says.

" yeah, see you then. Uh, thanks for the ride carm". You lean over and kiss her cheek on impulse before hurrying out of the car.

//

Over the next few weeks, you start to feel like maybe things are going to be okay. Until the letter comes. Logically you should have known it might but you were still entirely unprepared when you opened it.

You control your breathing carefully, trying to avoid a panic attack. You pace your room, feeling like you'll explode if you stay in the house any longer.

With shaking hands, you dial Carmilla's number without even thinking.

"Hey" you choke out.

“Laura? Are you okay?" She seems worried. You must have sounded worse than you thought.

"Yeah, I'm- no, i'm not". You don't need to pretend with her.

"You want me to take you somewhere?".

" Yes please" you say, barely above a whisper.

"Pack an overnight bag. I'll be there in ten".

You pack the letter into your bag, along with a change of clothes and a packet of cookies.

"Dad, I'm staying at Laf's tonight!" You call as you make your way down the stairs.

"Okay honey, you kid's have fun - and be safe! I love you!". He yells from the living room.

//

Carmilla's parked just around the corner, she does that when your dad's home. He doesn't like you getting into the car with friends that he doesn't know well.

You climb into the passenger seat and look over at her. She must sense your distress because she only looks at you for a few seconds before she wordlessly pulls you into a long hug. You release a breath you didn't even know you were holding and feel your body start to relax. It's not exactly comfortable, hugging in the front seat of a car with the gear stick between you but you just bury your face into her neck and hold onto her tightly. You can feel her lips pressing against the top of your head and her heartbeat against your chest.

"Where are we going?" you ask when you finally pull away from her

"Out of town" she answers cryptically.

You don't question her further because you don't really care as long as you're moving.  
//

Neither of you talk much as you make your way out of the city, you just watch out the window as the street lights start to disappear. She drives for three hours, a majority of which is on a bumpy country road. You almost fall asleep a couple of times but the lurches in the road jolt you awake.

She finally stops at a large field. You’re puzzled as to why she brought you here.  
You yawn and stretch, climbing out of the truck.

"You didn't bring me out here to murder me, did you?" You joke.

"Not murder, just sacrifice to an accident vampire cult" she says sarcastically. "I just want to show you something".

She reaches into her truck for her bag and locks it after her. It's pretty dark so you hold her hand as she leads you onto the field. Her hand is small and fits into yours perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle.

She walks you all the way across the grass to where the field meets a small forest.

"Uh Carm? You sure you didn’t bring me out here to die?".

"I promise not to murder you". It’s dark so you can't see her face but you can hear the smile in her voice.

She stops walking and you’re faced with the biggest tree you've ever seen in your life. You’re glad your eyes are starting to adjust to the dark because this tree looks like something out of Harry Potter. It's roots are taller than you are (not that that's hard). You turn to Carmilla and notice that she's actually fidgeting nervously.

“So this is what you wanted to show me?" You say with interest, giving her hand a small squeeze.

"Not exactly-" she tugs on your hand and brings you around to one of the taller roots. She climbs onto it like a cat, then offers you a hand and helps to pull you up too. if somebody had told you 3 months ago that one day you would be willing climbing a tree with Carmilla Karnstein, you would have said they were out of their mind.

You settle down comfortably before you look up. Through a clearing in the leaves from you perch on the root you can see more stars than you've ever seen in your life, bright ones and faint ones all clustered together and twinkling across the dark sky.

"-this is what I wanted to show you".

You tear your eyes away from the sky to look at her "It's incredible, how did you even find this place?".

"I have my methods". You give her a pointed look. "I was a troubled teenager, did a lot of exploring" she continues.

"19 is still technically a teenager" you point out.

She just shrugs, then surprises you by wrapping an arm around your waist. You sit in silence for a while, just watching the stars and enjoying each others warmth.

"So, do you wanna tell me why we're here?" she asks softly.

You give her a confused smile. "What do you mean? you brought me here".

"Yeah but why did you need me to?".

Your heart sinks. For a moment you'd actually managed to forget your problems. You take a shaky breath, unsure whether you're going to laugh or cry.

"I got into silas".

"And you’re upset about that?".

She looks confused and you don't blame her.

"No- , yes- I mean, I can't go" you say helplessly.

"Why not?".

"I'm training for the Olympics, Carm! That's full time. I don't have time to study".

She turns her body so she's fully facing you, her arm still around you. She looks like she’s considering what to say next very carefully.

"Laura, do you want to be a swimmer?" She asks.

It’s a simple question, but one you've been avoiding for years.

Your voice breaks when you answer her. "No". It's the first time you've ever admitted it out loud and you feel like crying. "But I don't have a choice".

She’s frowning. "Of course you do. Why would keep doing something that makes you unhappy?".

You shuffle around, leaning into the tree trunk. You don't know where to begin.

"Do you know who my mother is - was?" You ask with a sigh.

She shakes her, a confused expression on her face.

"Sarah Fischer".

You see Realisation dawn on her, like she’s finally finished a difficult puzzle. She knows of your mother, anybody who was passionate about swimming would recognize her name.

"Like the-?".

"-Olympic gold medallist?" you finish for her.

"Oh". She looks at you almost pityingly.

"You know your mother would have wanted you to be happy more than she would have wanted you to be like her?" Carmilla says quietly.

"It's not just her" you look at her helplessly "It's my dad too. He was a complete mess when she died, it was like I lost him too. He got so distant and he just couldn't keep it together. Then one day, I don't know why, he came to one of my training sessions and afterwards it was like he realised he'd been stuck in his head. He told me that he was so happy I kept swimming and how I reminded him that a little piece of her was still alive, in me. I couldn't tell him I was thinking about quitting then and I certainly can't tell him now. I don't know what it would do to him, I can't loose him, not again".

Carmilla stays quiet for a moment.

"You can't just keep putting everybody else's happiness above yours. Your dad loves you, he would never want to be the reason you're unhappy. You have no idea how tragic it would be if you just gave up" she says, her eyes focused on yours.

You wish you could make her understand that it's not that simple. "It would break his heart", your voice sounds hollow, even to your own ears.

"So you stop swimming? he'll find something else to be proud of you for. Maybe you're not giving him enough credit".

"You think I should just go up to him and say hey dad, looks like I'm not as much like mum as you thought so I'm throwing away everything you wanted for me just so I can go to college, ?".

Carmilla picks at the bark of the tree for a minute before finally looking at you.

“I think that's exactly what you should do".

You can't believe you're actually considering it.

"Why do you even care what I do?".

When her eyes meet yours, you feel your breath hitch. It’s almost like you've never had this much concentrated attention focused on you before. There's so much adoration in her expression mixed with mild disbelief.

"Your happiness is important to me" she says, the sincerity of her voice sends a weird warm feeling through your chest.

You scan her face, searching for some sign of trickery or sarcasm but you find none.

It's overwhelming. Overwhelming that she's the first person, in god knows how long, to look at you and actually see you instead of just seeing what she wants to see and not bothering to search any deeper.

Carmilla looks slightly alarmed to see that your eyes are welling with tears and you fling your arms around her so fiercely that you almost topple the two of you off the root you’re perched on. She freezes for a moment before hugging you back. You can feel her heart against your chest and you can't help but wonder if she can feel yours too.

You whisper a muffled "Thank you" into her neck.

You pull back a bit so that you can see her face. The air feels thicker and warmer than before. It’s a combination of that and the fact that Carmilla is giving you that adoring look again, that's making you breathless.

You’re still close enough to count her eyelashes and neither of you are making any move to put more distance between you. Your heart flutters wildly when she brings her hand up to carefully push the hair off your face. Your eyes travel down to her lips without your permission. Logically you know that now is not the time to kiss her, your emotions are running high and your life is mess. That doesn't stop you from pressing forward to capture her lips.

for a split-second she doesn't respond, you worry that you misread the situation, maybe you should just pull away and apologise but then her mouth is moving against yours and all coherent thought leaves you. Her hand cups you cheek gently while you thread yours into her hair. She pulls back only to tilt her head into a better angle and you laugh against her mouth when her nose bumps into yours.

Kissing Carmilla is like that moment when you first come up for air after being underwater for just a second too long.

Her lips are so warm and soft in contrast to the cool air and Her small moan when you tug lightly on her hair sends a spark of desire through you. She breaks away from you before you can deepen the kiss further, breathing heavily.

"As much as I want to continue this; if we keep going we might actually fall out of this tree".

You laugh and press one last quick kiss to her lips.

 

**CARMILLA**

You keep having to turn away from Laura so she won't see that you can’t stop smiling. As her cute yawning noises become more and more frequent while you're driving, you decide to stop at a cheap hotel for the night.

You book a room with twin beds, not wanting to be presumptuous. Laura just crawls into one of the tiny beds with you anyway, leaving the other one empty and forgotten. She tucks her head under your chin, sighing contentedly when you wrap your arms around her.

It's been a long, emotional day for her and she falls asleep almost immediately. It takes you a little longer, the night has given you a lot to think about.

So much about Laura makes sense to you now, like a puzzle that's finally coming together. You don't know what she’s going to do about the whole silas thing, she probably doesn't know either. All you know is that you'll be there as long as she let's you, no matter what she decides.

Another thing keeping you awake is your actual relationship with her; she kissed you and it was amazing but that doesn't necessarily mean you’re together now. She probably only did it in the heat of the moment because she's overwhelmed by life and in the morning she'll want to pretend it never happened.

You let yourself stress for a while before the rhythm of Lauras breathing eventually lulls you to sleep.

//

Something soft moving in your arms wakes you up. It takes you a second to remember what happened last night but it all comes flooding back to you when open your eyes to see Laura gazing up at you.

She blushes faintly when your eyes meet.

"Hey" she says, sounding more shy than you've ever heard her sound before.

A smile spread across your face disgustingly quickly.

"Hey".

You're trying to think of a way to tell her that it's okay if she wants to forget about yesterday when she leans up and kisses you again. The words immediately die in your mouth.

Everything is slower and less rushed this morning. Her hands are gripping your biceps lightly. Neither of you do anything to change the pace of the kiss. Your heart skips in your chest every time you remember that this is _Laura_ you're kissing, Laura who you never even imagined you'd have a shot with.

You continue to kiss languidly for about 10 minutes before you decide that you have to talk.

You put a hand on her shoulder and pull away from her, already mourning the loss of contact. Laura suddenly looks nervous.

She’s rambling before you have the chance to get any words out.

“Oh my god, I'm so sorry Carm. I never even asked you if you were okay with it before I kissed you and I should have. I wasn’t even thinking, not that that's-".

"-Cutie, relax. I wanted this, okay? I just need to be sure that you know this what _you_ want" you interrupt.

Her face visibly relaxes.

“I know what I want. I've known for a while now". 

You release a breath you didn't even realize you were holding. She stretches and sits up in bed. 

"Are you sure you're sure?". 

"I am. Now can we please get some breakfast? I'm starving". 

//

You end up stopping at crappy little cafe on the way back home. Laura orders a full breakfast but you don't like eating this early in the morning (although Laura insists that 10 am is not that early) so you end up just getting coffee.

It doesn't surprise you that Laura likes her waffles practically drowning in maple syrup, you're sure at this point her blood is like 50% sugar. 

You're seated across from her, watching her carefully pouring syrup onto her breakfast with the tip of her tongue poking out of her mouth in concentration. She picks up her knife and fork and starts cutting her waffles into small pieces before eating them.

"My dad always cuts them up small like this, so I won't choke on them" she says by way of explanation. "Guess the habit stuck with me". 

"My mamman used to do the same", You didn't intend to sound quite so wistful. 

Laura puts down her utensils and cautiously places her hand over yours. 

"I know that you don't like talking about her but you know you could, right? if you ever wanted to". 

You feel yourself fall a little harder for her. Nothing you could say would properly express what you're feeling so you just squeeze her hand. 

You wait for her to go back to eating before you start talking again, mostly because you're not sure that she's going to like the conversation topic. 

"Have you decided what you're going to do about college?". 

She freezes with a fork halfway to her mouth, it would look adorable if you weren't so scared she's about to get upset. 

To your surprise she seems relatively calm, although her eyes are less bright than they were only seconds ago. She sighs heavily and wipe's her hands on a napkin. 

"I've been thinking about it and maybe you're right, you know, about me maybe needing to stop just doing whatever I think will make my dad happy. Everything is just so confusing and I don't know if I would be doing the right thing or just being completely selfish". 

"I don't think it's selfish to go after what you need" you say, intertwining your fingers with hers while you talk. 

She uses her free hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. 

"I'm just not sure yet. I need time". 

"Of course, whatever you need", you don't remind her that shes on a time limit. 

She presses a kiss into the back of your hand. 

 

//

 

It takes Laura almost two months to reach a decision and even then she changes her mind every five minutes. In the end she accepted her place at Silas but it was obvious to you that the thought of telling her father was breaking her heart. 

Shes curled up with you on your bed with one of her hands resting over your stomach. One of your arms is thrown loosely over her. It's oddly quiet without her chattering, she's been quiet and a little preoccupied a lot lately. 

"I'm telling him tonight" she says, breaking the silence. 

"Are you okay?". 

"yeah, I think so. It's better to tell him now, give him time to prepare". 

"Definitely".

"Hey Carm?" her voice sounds so small.

"yeah?".

"I'm really going to miss you when I go".

You'd been artfully avoiding thinking about this aspect of her chasing her dreams, the _leaving you_ part . Of course you're happy for her and you know she's doing the right thing by herself but that doesn't stop it from feeling like your hearts being torn out when you think about her not being around anymore. Still, this is hard enough for her as it is, she doesn't need to deal with your feelings on top of that so you try to sound reassuring. 

"It won't be too bad, you'll be so busy you won't even have the chance to miss me. And Silas is only an hour away, we can see each other weekends and holidays. I mean if you still want to do this long distance relationship thing". 

"What if I don't". 

You feel your blood run cold and your whole body tenses up. You hadn't seen this coming. What kind of a person breaks up with somebody while cuddling them?

"So you want to break-" you don't even get to finish your sentence. 

Laura's eyes widen and she's shaking her head. 

"No, no, no, no that's not what I meant. I don't want to break up-" your muscles begin to relax at her words "-I want you to come with me". 

You definitely hadn't seen _that_ coming either.  

"what?". 

"Come with me-" she repeats "We can can get a tiny, crappy little apartment off campus. You could take classes; art, philosophy, history, anything you want. We'll find you a pool and we can come back on weekends, like you said, and visit Mattie and my dad". 

Her face is equal parts excitement and anxiety and It feels like your heart just grew two sizes bigger. You almost want to cry. 

"Laura, I don't even know what to say". 

"Then just say yes. I mean if you want to, of course you can say-"

"Yes". 

She squeals and throws herself on top of you, kissing you so passionately that you feel a little dizzy. 

You've never been happier in your life than you are right now. 

 

** LAURA **

You tell your father everything, the whole story, and he actually cries. You haven't seen him cry in years and and you're on the verge of a panic, you obviously made the wrong choice, how could you be so selfish?

"Dad, I'm so sorry. I-I don't, I can just-". 

He looks down at you, teary eyed and pulls you into a long hug. 

"You don't need to apologise. I'm not upset with you, I'm upset with myself. Baby, I wish you'd told me I was making you so miserable". 

"You weren't, I'm just not a swimmer".

"I still had a hand in you being unhappy and I'm the one who should apologise; I never realised I was hurting you". 

You snuggle further into your dads arms, you haven't actually hugged him in a while. 

"I just didn't want to let you down" your voice breaks slightly and your dad looks like he might start crying again. 

"You never let me down, Laura. I will be proud of you no matter what you do, because I know you'll give it everything you've got, that's who you are. Your mother would be so proud of you, not because of your swimming, but because of the amazing person you turned out to be". 

"Thanks dad". For once the mention of your mother doesn't make you feel sick. 

"Please don't ever feel like you have to keep something a secret from me just because you're worried about my feelings again, okay? It's my job to take care of you". 

"Actually there _is_ something I wanted to tell you. So I've kinda been seeing this girl for a while.."

 

//

It takes you another two months to sort things out before you moved. Carmilla technically missed the deadline for Silas applications but strangely enough Mattie was able to persuade the admissions board to consider her anyway. 

As promised, you find a tiny, one bedroom apartment not far from campus. 

The first year has it's ups and downs; you're not used to cohabitation so you and Carmilla get into more petty fights than necessary when you first move in.

You take a bunch of different courses until you settle on a major, which turns out to be journalism. Carmilla, as you suspected is more into philosophy and she excels at it, like most things in her life, without really trying. despite a few hiccups, you're more in love with her than ever. 

She tells you she loves you for the first on her birthday, it seems to just slip out by accident but that almost makes it more special to you. The look on her face when you say it back is worth so much more to you than she can ever know. 

After scouting her for months, the Silas swim team finally persuades Carmilla to join them and you're there at all of her meets, cheering from the stands. You don't feel jealous of her anymore, that feeling has long since been overtaken by love and how proud you are every time she wins (and she always wins). 

Most importantly, you're _happy._ You don't feel like your life is a current you can't swim against anymore because for the first time, your life is your own. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry this is so long and boring, I just couldn't find a cut off point


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